Why parenting should matter to a psychosexual and relationship therapist
By COSRT’s Jo Coker
It feels as if there has never (at least not in recent times) been a more challenging time for parents and children.
While this conference was relevant and important pre-COVID, events since early 2020 have amplified the profound stresses and strains experienced at all stages of parenting in many ways.
- Infertility treatment became more unpredictable meaning that prospective parents suffered delays to their dream of parenthood with the consequence that some may have missed their opportunity of conception.
- Those who were pregnant had to give birth in very difficult conditions, with little support from family or professionals at one of the most testing times of their lives, even in normal circumstances. Undoubtedly, this has had a huge impact as social contact has also been limited meaning many new parents have struggled in isolation and maternal depression has been high as a consequence. Help from the professionals has also been more difficult as it has taken place largely through the medium of zoom and this is not easy for checking gynaecological health and physical recovery which may impact later sexual function.
- Parents with children with learning disability have seen support cut and have had to shield to protect their vulnerable child, often in exhausting isolated conditions and with impact on the wider family.
- Those who were already parents have had to home school and work from home alongside, this often in cramped conditions, which has produced a huge amount of family stress and relationship tensions.
- Many older school children have seen their hopes, wishes and dreams potentially wither as exams have been disrupted and futures have become uncertain at a difficult stage of life when they are transitioning to adulthood.
- Alongside all of this, many families have seen increased financial constraint as jobs have been lost especially in industries that predominantly employ women, which has further impacted and intensified the already present stress.
- Families already vulnerable before the pandemic, have found increased incidence of mental health issues, poverty, eating disorder and domestic abuse.
It is vital that therapists consider parenting and the impact on society and relationships in contemporary times. And it is vital that COSRT as a major professional body facilitates that.
All of us have been children, and many of us have children. These first attachment bonds, as we know from the work of Bowlby, Ainsworth et al, are vital predictors of how we develop as adult humans and understand the complex world of relationships. The relationship functioning we learn as children maps on to later relationships, as researchers in emotionally focus therapy will tell us. If poor bonds have been developed, this pattern can seriously affect our adult life relationships and in turn our children’s childhood and their future.
Consider for example fear of abandonment, a common problem brought to the therapy room in relationship work. Often, rooted in anxiety about being lonely or lost and frequently stemming from loss in childhood. This abandonment may be physically by death, divorce or because there has been a poverty of physical care for the child and their needs have been unmet. This may be through abuse and /or poverty, or because there has been emotional neglect by not letting the child express them-selves, putting the child down, pressurising the child or treating them more like an adult peer and relying on them for the adult’s sense of worth.
Children who have suffered fear of abandonment often present with a disordered attachment styles which have relationship consequences in therapy such as:
Avoidant
These adults can find it hard to allow anyone to get close to them and they may appear distant, cold and lacking in empathy which can affect close relationships and intimacy.
Anxious
These adults tend to be fearful of losing a relationship and may develop dependant relationships. They may constantly see reassurance they are loved and that everything is ok which can exhaust the partner.
Disorganised
These adults tend to be inconsistent in relationships and can have difficulty remaining in relationships. They can blow hot and cold very quickly – I hate you one minute, I love you the next. The disorganised person can be very hard to read as may be volatile and unpredictable.
All these insecure attachment styles have huge consequences for the individual, their relationship and sexual health, as well as the known associated comorbidity of other mental health issues which may exacerbate the situation. This not only affects the individual and their relationships, but in turn may affect any children they parent and their future relationship functioning.
As such to me, particularly in view of all the mental health trauma that COVID has brought to families, this is absolutely the right time for COSRT to cast its “knowledge net” a little further back than the adult who presents in our room. That way we can support practitioners to fully understand how the adult in front of us has developed into the person who we are working with. This increased knowledge will inform professional’s work so they are better placed to work with clients and their issues thus improving outcomes of therapy.
Join us on 6th March 2021 for our online conference “The Parenting Relationship”