COSRT’s Silva Neves discusses the second lockdown and how it may make us feel.
After the first lockdown back in the Spring, many people felt able to breathe a little with children going back to school and allowing a bit more space in their relationships. Life most definitely didn’t return ‘back to normal’ but it felt that, perhaps, we were getting there. Then, numbers of COVID-19 infections rose sharply and now the second lockdown is implemented.The first lockdown was harsh on relationships and people’s sex lives. But this second lockdown is worse. It comes at a time when relationships are still fragile, trying to recover from the pressures of the first lockdown. People are still trying to process their grief for the loss of the life they had known pre-COVID. And this second lockdown is happening as the winter hits us, with little joyous prospects that we would normally enjoy at this time of year. Many people are feeling the anticipatory grief for the possibility of not being able to visit loved ones at Christmas. The days are shorter, the weather is wet and cold, there is much less to look forward to in this very long winter.
I hear clients say they are starting to feel very flat emotionally. Whilst the first lockdown was about adapting and finding new ways of living, this second one is about endurance and managing the every day lows. In the first lockdown, we learnt to meet our anxiety of the unknown, now, in this second lockdown, we have to make our anxiety a permanent tenant taking space in our mind.
In endurance period it is usual for people to increase their alcohol drinking or over-eating. Some have increasing sleep disturbances. Some are more convinced than ever that their employment won’t survive the pandemic. Some live with an enormous daily fear of their loved ones getting sick. Some feel sad that their elderly parents might not live long enough to see another day of a COVID-free world.
The increased fear and anxiety put our physiological and psychological system into a state of heightened stress that affects sex life. It is normal in these times to feel sexual desire plummeting. This, in turns, adds more stress and anxiety within relationships. Other people, however, might respond to the anxiety by being more sexual than usual, a good strategy to avoid unpleasant feelings, and this can also cause pressures in a relationship. Some people will feel sexual for people that are outside of their committed relationships but not for the people in their relationship. This can be a response to lockdown: seeing outside, fantasising about other people, being aroused by what is elsewhere is a good way to keep hope that there is life beyond the barriers of COVID, that there will be another way of living in the future. But it may not be an evidence that they stopped loving and being attracted to their committed partner.
More than ever, it is important for us all to maximise our self-care strategies because this winter is going to be long.
Treat yourself with kindness. Eliminate the ‘should’ in your thinking. It is normal not to function normally right now. It is normal to feel more tired, flatter, not caring about work as much, feeling more irritated by your partner, children and family. Don’t beat yourself up with thoughts like: ‘I should do more’, ‘I should be better’. Instead, be kinder to yourself; you’re probably ‘good enough’ as you are, even when you want to stay in your pyjamas.
Treat your partner with kindness. Your partner may feel as flat as you, or they may have a completely different energy. Accept them and their own ways of dealing with lockdown, even if their ways are completely different from yours.
You might not feel sexy enough to have sex with your partner. Do express this to them gently, and reassuring them that it is not their fault.
If you want to have sex with your partner but they don’t want to have sex with you, don’t take it personality. Do talk about it, openly, with kindness and without any pressure.
If you are single, or with a partner whose sexual desire is currently low, do remember that masturbation is a very good way to meet sexual needs, relieve stress and tension, and it is good for your health! You can enhance the pleasure of masturbation with sex toys, of course.
Why don’t you switch off from your social media, television and other devices occasionally? How about reading a good book that was written pre-COVID? Allow yourself to be transported to a different place, just so that, perhaps, for a short while, you can forget about COVID-19.