COSRT Trustee, experienced solicitor and mediator Hazel Wright discusses the impact of Covid on relationships and a potential increase in divorces and breakups to follow:
Living through a pandemic is a new experience for almost all of us. We are not in control of our lives. Anyone else’s breath may kill us or those we love.
Some of us experience life more vividly. We value what is important. That often includes hugging family members, going out for dinner or visiting cultural venues such as theatre or museums. Some adapt more easily to having limited options. How does this impact our relationships?
Let me tell you about a couple I know.
John and Jane have been married for 12 years, with one child Jasmine aged ten. John has always worked from home. Jane works nearby for an accountant. They find lockdown increasingly difficult. Jasmine has not been at school, nor could her grandparents look after her two nights a week as before. John feels crowded that Jane is at home full time. Jane feels she is now a 50’s housewife, expected to home school Jasmine and produce nine meals every day, and do her job. They argue frequently, the only time they are apart is during their separate daily runs.
During a row, Jane told John that she has had sex with a friend, when John believed she was out running. He is now convinced that the marriage is dead.
Do you recognise anything about this couple? Does the narrative ring true for any of your clients? Their current situation might have well arisen at another time. Nothing is specific to 2020, apart from the impact of the pandemic.
Is the breakdown of relationships more common at present?
It is hardly surprising that during a pandemic few of us are thinking clearly. It would be more surprising if we were.
The stresses and strains that most people experience from time to time in their couple relationship are not unique to these times. Some issues come to the fore for what seems like the first time. Others may have been simmering. Coping mechanisms are common to all of us. Most appear to be forbidden now.
Anecdotally divorce lawyers expect more work at various times of year. Usually January and September, immediately after families spend more time together, buying extravagant holidays and presents, perhaps drink more alcohol.
Coming out of lockdown may be another busy period for divorce lawyers.
Separation and divorce decisions
Divorce is not inevitable. Some decisions need to be made quickly. Living arrangements are a priority. Current lockdown rules mean that either Jane or John can move out, and if they live in separate households, Jasmine can stay overnight with each parent. But what if any of them are shielding?
Interim arrangements for Jasmine and for finances are priorities. One thing all relationship breakdowns have in common is the failure of communication. Whilst an amicable separation is possible, it is almost always easier if people have someone else to support them in the discussions.
Divorce solicitors have been working remotely during the lockdown. The courts are working, both for filing documents and for court hearings (mainly remotely). Mediators, counsellors and therapists are now used to working remotely with couples from the respective homes of each. Whilst solicitors and mediators can give legal information, but only solicitors can give legal advice. Experienced counsellors and therapists have much to offer. In over 40 years of practice as a specialist family solicitor, I seldom saw clients who were clear about everything. Even if they were, the upheaval of separation and divorce is in itself stressful. Combing Google does not replace personal expertise.
Divorce increase?
We won’t know if there has been an increase in divorces for about a year. ONS only records those in legally registered relationships (marriage or civil partnership) but not purely Islamic marriages or the relationships of unmarried couples.
A couple must have been married or in a civil partnership for one year before they can divorce/dissolve the relationship.
The process for divorce is technically simple. Divorce courts are open. Divorce is technically easy, all online. It takes four to six months from starting the divorce until the final decree absolute. There is no such thing as a “quickie divorce” although it can be possible to move more quickly in limited circumstances. Getting decree absolute does not mean the end of financial links such as joint ownership of a home or being on the mortgage.
The only ground for divorce is the irretrievable breakdown of the marriage. There are five ways to prove that (which usually means in writing on a prescribed form). The first two are immediately available, the other three require them to live apart for two or more years.
Going back to John, both Jane and he want to prioritise Jasmine’s welfare. They both know that will involve the wellbeing of all three of them.
John wants to finalise the divorce as soon as possible, because he wants a share of Jane’s much larger pension and that can only be done after divorce. Current law means that he has to blame Jane for the divorce. Simple, John thinks. He will cite Jane’s adultery. He asks Jane for the name of her friend.
She tells him it is Martha. Ah, a snag. In law, adultery is defined as being with someone of the opposite sex. Same sex couples cannot divorce based on adultery either.
The only immediate way forward is to set out details of Jane’s” unreasonable” behaviour and its impact on him. Both parents are worried that this will exacerbate the feelings they both have about what has been wrong.
Legally it seldom matters who starts the divorce or on what basis when you make arrangements for a child or about finances.
Why might John and Jane want to wait a while?
In June Parliament passed a new law, so called “no fault divorce”, which will come into force in late 2021. Under this new law, there is no need to blame anyone. One or both of the couple can ask jointly for divorce. In the expected six months process, there is a built-in period of 20 weeks to allow couples to agree practical arrangements by negotiation, rather than starting with accusations in the divorce petition. These changes are a real breakthrough.
This is a genuine opportunity for COSRT members to help couples who found lockdown the final straw.