Whether we call it ‘staying at home’ or ‘self-isolation’, these challenging times will be difficult for many individuals and couples. Every person in each household will likely have heightened anxiety about the uncertainty of the near future. Everyone manages and processes anxiety differently, which means that there is a lot of potential for miscommunication and conflicts, even with the best relationships. For example, one with a more optimistic opinion of the current situation may sound dismissive of one who is more pessimistic.
If you are already struggling with frequent conflicts with your partner, this current ‘stay at home’ time can feel daunting and even distressing.
COSRT is here to help, with the following tips:
1- Timing is important when you’re angry at each other: In moments of high anxiety, it is not the right time to try to resolve old issues in the couple that had not been resolved. Try to stick to the here-and-now and limit your conversations to what you might call: ‘living together meeting’ when you discuss the practicalities of sharing a space together. You may also decide to allocate ‘down time’ when you both share the space for distraction, such as watching a film together. You might need to establish ground rules, with using a room that is your own space for a period of time when you know your partner won’t try to come in. In that space, you can call good friends to vent your frustration about your partner and have a laugh. At this point, it is best if you can direct the frustration about your partner away from the household.
2- When you communicate with your partner, avoid criticism: make ‘I’-statements, rather than ‘you’ ones as they can sound like you’re blaming your partner.
3- Avoid defensiveness. Take your responsibility for your part of the miscommunication. It takes two to communicate well. Ask for clarification rather than assume what your partner feels or thinks about you.
4- Avoid the build-up of resentment. In these difficult times, it may be a good time to think about how precious life is, and why you are with your partner. Perhaps you tend to focus on the negative things. But how would you feel if something happened to your partner? Sometimes it is important to remind ourselves that there are good reasons why we’re still with our partner, and some of these reasons may be that there is love underneath resentment. It is a good time to focus on the connection and the love. Radical acceptance is about accepting all the things that are irritating to keep the positive things that being with our partner bring.
5- Avoid stonewalling. Although it is a common coping strategy for many when they feel big emotions, it can also look like you’re ignoring your partner. Instead, when you feel big feelings, try to name one: ‘I feel angry’ or ‘I feel anxious’ and breathe deeply. It will help you process your feelings and it will help your partner hearing your current emotions.
6- All of us need to re-adjust to a new, smaller lifestyle, spending more time with our partner and children. It can be a tough challenge, where there are less choices. Be a team: you and your partner will have different opinions and emotions at different times. Use it to your advantage with ‘brainstorming’, your partner may have a good idea about what to do next. Your brainstorm can be on small things that you had taken for granted previously, for example, how to plan a meal when you can’t get all the ingredients you need from the shops. Every small thing can become a place of team-work, which can consolidate your relationship. Equally, feeling distant from your partner with those small things may make your relationship a lot less solid.
7- Rediscover things that had been deemed old-fashioned. With less commute and more home working, it means that you will have more time and an overload of screen time. How about using that time with playing an old-fashioned board game with your partner? Or read an actual book? You can even decide to do yoga together at home with the help of an app or do guided meditation together.
8- Make sure you laugh! This is a great anxiety and stress buster. Learn to be comfortable with silliness.
9- You can decide to do more things together, like cooking together, or sorting out things around the house that are always left unattended because of a lack of time. It can be a household project.
10- Remember that if you have no symptoms in your household, you can still go out. A walk in the park together or alone, breathing fresh air and connecting to nature goes a long way for good mental health.
11- Limit your exposure to social media and news. Make a habit to touch each other with a hug as you wake up and when you go to bed. These small moments of intimacy deepen the feelings of connection with your partner in uncertain times.
12- Listen with empathy. Anxiety can sometimes be irrational, but it doesn’t matter. Try to listen and accept that your partner may have some irrational thinking. It is easy these days to entertain the worst-case scenario. Don’t tell your partner what to do, or how to think: simply sit with them, listen to them and hold their hand.
What about sex?
Your sex life is likely to change. For some people, feeling anxious is an anti-erotic. For others, it is an erotic enhancer. Typically, people have more sex when there is more anxiety to alleviate or some boredom to kill. Some people have more sex when faced with life and death stories. For other people, it’s the opposite. Listen to your sexual urges and don’t judge them. It is not shameful, bad or wrong to feel sexual in times of anxiety. If your partner is up for it, it is a great opportunity to have more sex with each other. Sex can deepen your connection. But if your partner’s anxiety is anti-erotic for them, you can still meet your sexual urge with masturbation. Try to be open with your partner about it, if you can. Orgasms boost your immune system, so it is a good time to have more of them.
Staying at home is not always a safe place. For people who live in household where there are big problems such as domestic violence, or angry parents, please do remember that you do not need to stay in a situation that feels unsafe for you. Call the emergency services, it is what they are there for, too. Make sure you have the contact of a good friend who can welcome you in if things are too tough. Keep some money in a hiding place and within easy reach, if you need to make a quick exit.
In crisis times, relationships and sex can be difficult areas of life to navigate. Many therapists will be offering online sessions. Please check the COSRT register to find a suitable psychosexual and relationship therapist for you.
This article was written by COSRT Media representative and Psychosexual & Relationship psychotherapist Silva Neves.