As lockdown continues, COSRT’s media representative Cate Campbell reminds anybody worried or scared at home that there is still help available and that many relationship counsellors are still available for therapy online:
“Social isolation has caused people in abusive relationships to be trapped inside with their abusers and UK police are appealing for everyone to be on the alert for signs of abuse within families and couples.
However, some people are unaware that they’re abuse victims, especially if the perpetrator has convinced them that they are hopeless, unworthy or mentally ill, feelings which will inevitably be exacerbated during lockdown. Yet domestic abuse is not just about physical violence – emotional, financial and sexual abuse may exist alone or alongside physical abuse and can occur in any relationship, not just between men and women. Coercive control, for instance, may involve subtle alienation of the victim from loved ones, who are often groomed to side with the perpetrator. Abuse may also follow an initial period of love bombing when the victim feels understood and cherished, trusting the abuser and often sharing their fears and secrets. As the love bombing is gradually replaced by abuse, the confidences shared by the victim are used against them. But the abuse is interspersed with regret and more love bombing, which maintains the victim’s attachment.
Home Secretary Priti Patel has said it’s okay to leave home to seek help during lockdown. Yet few victims have anywhere to go and it isn’t usually easy to leave safely. When they recognise it, many victims feel ashamed of their abuse and downplay it, so there is no one looking out for them. On the contrary, friends and relatives may have been encouraged to like the abuser, and any controlling behaviour they see may be mistaken for caring. Moreover, there are far too few places in shelters, leading to the Public Interest Law Centre and Solace Women’s Aid writing a letter, supported by scores of charities and lawyers, calling on government support to make more emergency accommodation available.
Even if this were to happen overnight, it remains very difficult to leave an abusive relationship, as there is a huge rise in violence around the time of attempted and actual separation. It’s therefore unwise to warn an abusive partner that you’re planning to leave or that you’ve received any sort of advice about abuse or separation. It can be tempting to blurt out what you’ve learned when you’re feeling empowered by the information or support you’ve obtained, but even those who have never lashed out before can react to their victim’s empowerment with violence. At the very least, control is likely to increase. It’s therefore safer to keep a low profile and note what’s happening. The Bright Sky app (https://www.thegoodwebguide.co.uk/lifestyle/best-apps/bright-sky/20580) both provides helpful information and allows you to log evidence which is not kept in the phone itself. There’s also advice about staying safe and recognising risk.
Drug and alcohol use also increases risk. Supermarket shelves emptied of alcohol when the pubs closed meaning there is likely to be more available at home. If alcohol or recreational drugs fuel the abuser’s bad moods, try not to become tipsy, drunk or high yourself. Staying alert and in control will keep you safer. For instance, don’t try to resolve an argument by following the abuser around trying to make things right. Don’t grab them or stand in their way and certainly don’t attack them. If it’s possible, leave the room when an abuser is angry. If you feel threatened you can call the police using Silent Solution (https://www.policeconduct.gov.uk/sites/default/files/Documents/research-learning/Silent_solution_guide.pdf) which does not require you to speak. When dialling 999 from a mobile, the caller presses 55 when asked which service they want and the call is transferred to a police call handler who will ask yes/no questions. If you replace the receiver from a landline without speaking when you make a 999 call, you will be often be connected to a police handler if you pick up again within 45 seconds, who will again know how to have a safe conversation.
Everyone is likely to feel stifled when they’re cooped up together for weeks, but abusers may take out their frustration on those around them. The risk may be higher if the lockdown has left them short of money, and this may in turn lead to families being kept short of money for food. This may provide the impetus you need to seek help, but be wary about telling loved ones if you suspect they may confront the abuser and make things worse. It may initially be safer to seek advice from one of the abuse charities which have quick exit buttons on their web pages. The Domestic Abuse Helpline website (www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk) has clear, easily understandable advice and information and a 24 hour Freephone (0808 247 2000) if you’re able to talk. As well as excellent support and information, Women’s Aid (www.womensaid.org.uk) has a variety of ways to make contact, including instant messaging, and has a survival kit and specific advice for safety during lockdown. Chayn (https://chayn.co/) has clear advice in a number of languages, giving practical information from the moment abuse is suspected right through to recovery. The Supernova Project (http://supernovaproject.org/) is an international organisation for people affected by abuse within LGBT+ relationships but can link you with local support. Mankind (https://www.mankind.org.uk/) is for male victims and has a confidential helpline on weekdays from 10am-4pm. Counsellors are also continuing to work online during the pandemic and can offer the support you may need to keep going.
Unfortunately, some abuse continues beyond the relationship through online surveillance or control. Women’s Aid has advice on how to manage and avoid this and there is a helpful episode of the BBC podcast The Digital Human on coercion (https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b01n7094/episodes/downloads), which explains the use of technology for abuse.
Even if it’s very difficult to reach support, you can keep yourself safer by acknowledging the difficulty of being confined. If it’s possible, make sure everyone has some sort of space at some point in the day, whether that’s just a shower or bath alone or, ideally, outside exercise separately. Creating a routine where you’re doing things apart, even for a little while, is healthy for any relationship but may create a taken-for-granted space which you can eventually use to seek information or support”.
If you are experiencing difficulties in your relationship and could benefit from relationship therapy, our COSRT therapists are still very much available online for you at this time. Please visit corst.org.uk to find a therapist that fits your needs.