COSRT’s media representative Clare Faulkner shares her thoughts on mental health, couples and times of added stress.
“In response to the COVID-19 pandemic the 2020 theme of Mental Health Awareness is kindness. Kindness might be defined as a mindset or behavioural response of compassion for others that undercuts self-interest.
We have witnessed many acts of kindness in our local neighbourhoods and wider society in recent weeks. Kindness creates connection, hope, support and builds community spirit. Kindness drawing our attention from ourselves to others, helping recipients feel significant. It brings optimism, joy and delight and lowers stress levels.
Kindness can also be applied to ourselves and at times like these softening our expectations might be useful. Our ability to control our world and environment has changed so kindness can help move us to a space of acceptance.
It’s also a very good boost for our own mental health. Science has proven that kindness can increase serotonin, oxytocin, happiness, lifespan, pleasure and energy and reduce stress, pain, anxiety, depression and blood pressure. Oxytocin plays a role in forming social bonds and trusting and is credited for the feel-good factor kindness brings. Sometimes referred to as the ‘love hormone’ oxytocin aids in lowering blood pressure and improving our overall heart-health. It increases our self-esteem and optimism and in one study participants reported feeling more energised after kind acts which led them to feeling calmer and less depressed. A welcome panacea in the uncertain times we find ourselves in.
Based on the research of Gottman and others, “kindness (and emotional stability) is the most important predictor of satisfaction and stability in a marriage.” As positive emotions increase so too does satisfaction and fulfilment. Kindness is teachable, and people can build their capacity for compassion, bringing it into their relationships. For some this muscle might be naturally stronger, but that’s not to say it can’t develop strength in everyone with exercise.
In couples therapy we see great healing when a couple chooses kindness over control. It’s a powerful choice because for so many the attempt to control others feelings and behaviour is the pattern. When your deepest desire is to protect yourself from suffering and pain, especially in conflict, the attempt to control using anger, blame, criticism or withdrawal may arise. Typically, however, this leads to ruptures in the relational connection and fails to achieve the desired outcome. Kindness on the other hand builds connection.
When kindness is expressed in relationship, couples feel more care, consideration, love, and understanding. Kindness contributes to an overall feeling of goodwill and positivity. Partners are inspired and motivated to continue the pattern, which results in a positive cycle of love and generosity. Furthermore the positive effects of kindness are experienced in the brains of everyone who witnesses the act which improves mental wellbeing for all.
Here are a couple of ideas to bring more kindness into your relationships:
The Mental Health Awareness campaign invites us to reflect on acts of kindness. Meditation can help to engage in this process by carving out some time to connect to the experience. In a comfortable seated position, close your eyes and for a few minutes feel or imagine your breath moving through the chest to the heart area. Connecting to kindness notice what emotions come up, where in the body are these felt, and what other sensations are experienced, then with the breath, let go. Sitting quietly, direct the kindness inwards and mentally offer yourself some loving words. After a period of directing this self- kindness bring an image of your partner to mind and slowly repeat the process towards them.
Try to introduce or increase acts of kindness in your relationship, perhaps doing something out of the ordinary. Spend some time thinking about how you could improve you and your partner’s life in the current climate. Offer encouragement and affirmations, this can be especially useful as we grapple with new roles and responsibilities. Even if you are in the same geographical place a thoughtful and supportive text might be well received. Let them know you are thinking of them even if you aren’t available. When you do have time together be fully present – people feel important when they have your attention and focus. Create a space where you can offer your partner curiosity and empathy”.
There are lots of ways you can get involved in Mental Health Awareness Week. For more information please visit www.mentalhealth.org.uk