New online live seminar for COSRT – Friday 6th November
In traditional sex therapy, couples are often given a series of Sensate Focus touching exercises in which they’re initially urged to explore one another’s bodies for their own interest rather than with any intention to arouse or please their partner. This is often known as the Non-Demand phase of Sensate Focus. Many partners take to this immediately and feel considerable relief that there is no pressure on them to perform or respond, especially as they will also have been banned from any form of intentionally arousing activity. This sex ban provides an additional break from the anxiety which may be associated with sex, and an opportunity instead for mindful experiencing.
Though couples are touching without any intention to arouse or please, both they and their partner may, in fact, become aroused and enjoy both the touching and being touched. However, there is absolutely no requirement to do so, and partners often discover they enjoy some Sensate Focus sessions more than others and become more aroused at some times than others. Many find this normalises their experience and reduces their self-expectation of a high degree of pleasure whenever they ‘have sex’. As well as noticing the ebb and flow of arousal and enjoyment, and what may influence this, they also have to learn to manage not knowing what their partner is thinking about the Sensate Focus exercises and whether they’re enjoying them.
Some partners may find erections bothersome, but this can be normalised and facilitate conversations about the reflex nature of erections and how pleasure and arousal may not be the same, particularly when preoccupied with a partner’s response or need to perform. Sometimes partners have great difficulty in not telling the other about their experience, especially if they are used to critiquing the other partner and/or have difficulty taking responsibility for their own experience. Other forms of sabotage, such as breaking the sex ban or failing to do the Sensate Focus experiments, are common and seem to arise from some sort of fear. All of these can be overcome with sufficient preparation and support. Treating the couple’s experience as experimental, providing only learning – thereby making it impossible to ‘fail’ – provides rich feedback which does not need to focus on the couple’s enjoyment or accomplishment. Where this is expressed, the therapist encourages clients to talk about feeling aroused in a sensate focus session, rather than what aroused them.
The Demand stage of therapy refers to the point where the couple is seeking outcomes such as arousal, penetration or orgasm for themselves or their partner. In traditional sex therapy, the explicit aim of trying to arouse one another was set as a homework task which often produced an upsurge of anxiety and therapy blocks. Consequently, it is helpful to retain the Non-Demand element when moving clients on to more sexual behaviour within their Sensate Focus sessions. It’s important that the therapist focuses on the experimental nature of the process and urges the couple just to be curious about their own experience. This allows partners to grow their confidence and learn to take responsibility for their own pleasure. The pressure to please one another and to achieve is removed and couples relax into sensation and intimacy in way that has previously been impeded by demand, often fuelled by unhelpful social discourses and personal beliefs. They may also be affected by a therapist’s assumptions or wishes for the couple, making it particularly important that therapists notice their own reactions to the clients’ material.
Ultimately, couples develop new, more effective ways of physical and verbal communicating and feel far more in control of their sexual experiencing, both individually and as a couple. Therapy generally proceeds much more quickly than with Demand approaches and clients are more satisfied that the sexual and relationship changes they’ve made will be permanent. To make this work, though, the entire sex therapy process – from initial assessment to follow-up -has to follow a Non-Demand approach, which privileges the couple’s relationship and efficacy. The therapist also needs to be able to anticipate and pre-empt potential blocks and coach each partner in tolerating not-knowing and developing personal curiosity. How to achieve all this will be covered in the study morning, along with a more comprehensive discussion of the process and opportunities to consider the fit with your own practice and experience and your blocks to change.
Cate Campbell