With the UK in lockdown, COSRT asks what that means for dating and forming relationships? With dating sites adding tabs asking your COVID 19 status (had it, have it, not had it yet) and people asking for ‘quarantine partners’, we asked COSRT dating expert Cate Mackenzie her views on dating in the time of social distancing.
Is it possible to date in this time of a pandemic? How would you date and how can we keep these kind of social connections open? We need people, connections, friends and for many of us dating, flirting, connecting. We have to avoid getting infected but as humans we need each other to co-regulate, to feel calm and to enjoy life, which includes dating.
Many people are having to stay at home by themselves and this can lead to heightened longings for touch, for cuddles, for the smell of another human. Someone told me that they felt that when this was over they would grab someone to hug to feel connected to another being. This can also be a scary time if you or loved ones have health conditions or work for the NHS or have the virus. Polyvagel theorist Stephen Porges says that the value of hearing someone’s voice or seeing someone’s face is important and powerful even if it is online. Connection and reaching out is essential to be nourished and self supporting.
Our instincts show us that we want to be together and isolation can be really damaging. We can become more unregulated during times of distancing. Some may close down during this time and some may get panicky or fearful in this time. These different responses can also make it hard to understand each other. The human drive is to connect and this can happen in new and inventive ways now. If you look at some old Sci Fi movies love stories often happen in difficult or strange times. In George Orwell’s “1984” Winston Smith falls in love “illegally“ with a co-worker Julia. In John Wyndham’s “Day of The Triffids” Bill Masen saves novelist Josella Playton from being enslaved and they form a relationship. Some older people I know decided to marry whilst watching London being bombed from Boxhill. As death seemed near them they decided to take a risk!
Ways to date:
In more ordinary times I recommend that people go to random events such as talks, dances, comedy nights where they may get chances to connect and meet with others. In the current climate I would recommend trying dating apps such as Hinge, Grindr, Match, Scruff, LGBTQutie, or Bumble or online singles events. The BBC reported a woman who was doing online dating who received a £15 voucher for a bottle of wine from her date and they chatted on skype for the evening (she put makeup on but stayed in her pyjamas).
People are putting dance events, music and comedy concerts online and I feel that there will be more and more ways to connect and date but with a bit more creativity. Coach Harriet Whaley-Cohen is putting dating nights on, on zoom. It may be that we all learn how to connect more meaningfully with intentionality, to be warm and soothing to others. Isolation can create defensiveness but we need to reach out to others to help us to regulate ourselves.
I have the feeling that we are going to go on an internal revolution where we learn how to express more through our tone, pace, body language and use of words. We can no longer rely on touching someone’s arm to convey interest. We may need to smile more and really listen more to the other person to make a meaningful connection. We may begin to see that it is not so much the content of what we are saying but how we say it that matters. Since we are not in close contact and cannot touch an arm for example it is important to begin to express ourselves with mirroring, intonation, reaching to understand and validate the other person, monitoring ourselves and the other. It may well be that we learn how to date and how to be intimate in much deeper and profound ways.
In terms of flirting and dating there are three key points
1 Be really warm to the other person through smiling, listening, feeding back to them what they have said or are talking about. Kansas University discovered that most people cannot read flirting signals so make it clear you are being warm.
2 Make sure you are relaxed and feel OK about you- take some time to move or meditate before connecting to relax yourself. Webster’s University discovered it is not the “most attractive” people who get wanted it is the ones sending the signals (smiling, looking, connecting) and this is easier to do if you feel calm.
3 Take some time to be in touch with your own body and your own sensuality. If you feel you are forever “friend-zoned” then it may well be that you are not giving off any sensual or sexual signals. This can change if you have given yourself a loving bath or sensual touch.
Some couples/thruples or other combinations may also not be able to be together or date. They can still get creative with flirty messages, or talking through a fantasy together. Or they may be together but may have been asked not to touch or be too close (if one has asthma for example). In this case it might be fun to massage or bathe yourself in front of your partner or do a dance for them or dance together.
We have to all stay safe and there may be people who really need your support as therapists on how to manage relationships at this time and equally I think relational spaces may get more innovative and more deep and old internal barriers to connecting may change. As always community is important and we all need each other to make these changes.
As therapists working online, we too may have to make much more effort to show alignment, mirroring, listening and validating with our clients as it may not be so obvious through a screen.
Cate Mackenzie is a Psychosexual Therapist and Couples Counsellor and is on COSRT’S Media Team. She was the dating Coach for Channel 4’s “The Undateables” and has run flirting talks all over the UK.